The Great Hernia Contest …

… has left the building. Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting. Special thanks to Allie for her winning entry.

My follow-up appointment is tomorrow, and barring anything fantastical or mildly surprising, this will be the last entry. If you want to know more about my life, subscribe to my paper and read my damn column. And to hell with the rest of you!

Sorry! That was uncalled for. They said sudden outbursts might be a side effect of coming off the meds they prescribed, you weasel-eating bastards!

The stitches will be out soon, and I will be enjoying my tiny new scars, two of which will never be seen by anybody, unless I'm very intoxicated and perform a "Peter Pants-less."

This experience has taught me a lot. Most of all, it taught me that there's never, ever anything good on television. So, as Garrison Keeler says, be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

And no Irish!

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Hernianic Titanic: The Final Episodes



"Now that I think of it, I don't feel pretty after all."

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Joe Cocker + Ronald Reagan + Member of the Village People = This Guy

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"Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought I'd be writing you, but I swear all of this is true. …"

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"'Sew this, stitch that' … I'll make them pay."

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"That's a nice urine sample, dear."

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National Geographic Special: When DSV Alvin discovered the wreck of the Titanic.

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At Purdue, we use only the best cuts of the chicken.

Shameless self-promotion

Hi everybody!

Remember when I used to take pictures? Me neither, but according to my resume, I did. So, I've set up a couple of web sites where The Best of the Swinc's work can be viewed, looked upon with wonder and/or ridiculed. So next time your boss isn't looking, turn your web browser to one of these sites:

http://swincphotos.site.shutterfly.com/

Or, if you have a Flickr account:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/swincphotos/

Don't worry, none of these contain images of my hernia. I'm hoping that, based on some feedback, I might be able to start selling SOME images online (those will likely be scenic shots and will likely not be photos of children I shot for work, due to legal stuff). View and enjoy.

-Hush

SwincPhotos: Better Than Watching Paint Dry.

the battlestar ballectomy: change in which we can believe

The surgery's done, and I'm resting comfortably, icing areas of my body that need not be named here. The surgery was as much fun as you could imagine: a half a dozen masked strangers working in and around my junk while I was knocked out.

Shortly before the surgery, the surgeon wrote the word "yes" on the left side of my abdomen. Supposedly, this was to denote the area of my hernia, but I now think he was writing "yes," as in "yes we can," giving the appearance that good ol' B.B. was endorsing Barack Obama. While I myself am a strong supporter of Obama, BB was apolitical, and I am a little peeved that the doctor would impose his political beliefs on my hernia.

Anyway, congrats to my good friend Allie for her winning entry, officially dubbing my hernia the Battlestar Ballectomy. I'm also going to give an Honorable Mention to the entry "Ralph," because I love my uncle Ralph. How can I not love a guy who introduced the phrase "roll and squish" to the family lexicon?

I guess the only thing left to do is to stage another contest naming the scars leftover from the wars fought by the gallant Battlestar Ballectomy. Let's show those Cylon sons of bitches that we will never forget.

And the winner is …

With less than an hour before I go to the outpatient clinic (for my hernia, not whatever else you're thinking, sick-o), I've had to tally the votes. And the winner is:

Battlestar Ballectomy!

Congratulations, you … you who suggested taking the great taste of science fiction and combining it with minor surgery! Had I been more organized, I would have kept track of who submitted what, and could give proper credit to the winner (Allie? Was it you, Allie?).

So, winner, please print this:

(YOUR NAME HERE), being of sound mind and sick sense of humor, having successfully taken the two minutes to submit an entry to the Great Hernia Contest of 2008, and possibly having completed a pottery course at the local adult learning annex, earns the right to hang this Certificate of Something upon thy 'fridge.

Signed, this day, Wednesday, July 9, 2008 AD

John

You may now kiss the bride





As an aside, I was unable to vote, but I was very happy this entry won, if only because Battlestar is like, the best show ever.

Here it comes!

This is it, baby! Less than 24 hours, and it's on! Yeah! YEAH! I'm pumped! Can you feel it? Can you? CAN YOU?! As of 2:30 p.m., eastern time, I will be havin' some fun (fun=outpatient surgery with general anesthesia!).

OMG, I am like, so PSYCHED to have this done, you guys! Oh, when they put me in that little johnnie that takes away any sense of pride and dignity, stick a needle in my arm and stick a mask over my face (and I'll TOTALLY forget I'm claustrophobic) … and then I can wake up with stitches –STITCHES! – in my abdomen. Oh, baby, this is gonna be good.

So… would any one like to switch places?

Upswing is that, since I can't eat anything tomorrow until after the surgery, tonight I'll be chowing down like Fat Albert after escaping a fat camp.

By the way, clock's ticking on naming my hernia, so let's get crackin', people!


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"I like you, Nurse Ratched. You have a gentle touch."

Final stretch

Just a reminder – tomorroworother is the last day to vote to name my hernia. The winner will be announced on Wednesday, the morning of my surgery, if I get around to it, if I don't forget, or if I don't spend the day in bed, weeping.


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For whatever reason, most hernia patients tend to go "Brazilian"

Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!

Bring me Solo and the Wookie

A while back I got a great entry through my cousin, Tiffany, for a name that was so nearly perfect … that I forgot to enter it on the survey. So, I'm putting an official shout-out now, to the latest, perhaps greatest, entry: "Jabba."

This is a magnificent suggestion, in that, much like my hernia, Jabba is an unwelcome large bulge of tissue that can be prone to strangulation.

Due to legal and technical reasons (i.e., I forgot), I was unable to put "Jabba" on the official list, but if anyone would like to vote for our fine, wrinkly, better-as-a-muppet-than-CGI friend, then go ahead and email me with your vote.

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The Department of Transportation got a little overzealous when building a bridge over the Rio Grande.


Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!