Oh, it huuuuurts …

You know how I think I got this hernia from dancing, right? And how it would stand to reason that I shouldn't dance at all until it's repaired, right? So, even if there was a lot of beer and loud music, I definitely wouldn't do even the tiniest bit of dancing, for fear of aggravating said condition, right?

Wrong.

I never said I was smart. Hellooooo, ice pack (which reminds me, if you come over my apartment, don't use my ice packs).
Any-hoo, we've got a new entry for naming that which is causing me considerable pain right this bloody second: "The Dwarf Moon." I don't know exactly what it means, but I like it.

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George W. Bush comes off a bender.

Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!

Big Man, new names, titanic

I'm a little worried that my hernia is going to keep me from entering either the Ultimate Fighting Championship/Awkwardly Homoerotic kickboxing league, or next year's World's Strongest Man competition. I mean, how will I be able to pull a bus with my teeth in my condition?

It's a fall from grace. Before the hernia, I was able to bench press nearly tens of pounds. But now I find myself being relatively stationary, and feeling flabby. It's not a great feeling. I think I'm gaining weight, despite my best efforts to limit myself to a 12 pack of Sam Adams a day. What to do …

In other news, we've got some more submissions, via some friends of my family, and forwarded to me by my mom, who must be embarrassed beyond measure that her son is recording his life as a herniac. Those entries are "Coli" and "Popeye." I don't know what "Coli" is about (it sounds a little like "cauliflower," and that's freaky). "Popeye" although disturbing, speaks for itself.

Our third submission is "Herbie the Herny." So if you're a big fan of "Herbie Goes Bananas," then you're probably 8. But that's no reason not to vote.

Finally, enjoy this latest installment of Hernianic Titanic:


"I know why you're having stomach discomfort. What I can't understand is, why did you feel the need to swallow a football?"

Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!

"Well, the good news is I think I found my car keys …"


Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!

Hernianic Titanic

My doctor gave me a couple of booklets on what a hernia is, and how to prepare for surgery. I could, of course, have read them thoroughly, and be prepared for my surgery. Or I could just laugh at the funny pictures.

I think the choice was pretty obvious.

But then I thought, why keep all the fun to myself? Why not have you, the reader, come up with your own captions for these absolutely realistic and informative images?

Just type your captions in the "comments" area at the end of each post. It's like Mystery Science Theater 3000, only none of the images move, and you have to do all the work yourself!

Ex:

"Can you believe I just gave birth to this thing?"

Write your own caption in the comments section!

Q&A

Someone recently posted the question, "What if they remove your hernia and it turns out it was the source of all your powers??"
This is vaguely reminiscent of that episode on "Friends" when Chandler gets his third nipple removed, and loses his ability to be the funny one (leaving a void neither David Schwimmer nor Matt LeBlanc could fill).

It's a scary thought. I mean, what if I did lose my powers? Those are some damn good powers, too, I tell ya what.

Ordinarily this would give me pause, if not for the threat of something called "strangulation." I understand strangulation in the traditional sense, but I dislike the thought of strangulation being anywhere near my nether-regions.

Oh, and the latest entry comes from V.W., and is "Mr. Bigglesworth."

New names and Hernia Awareness Month

First of all, we've got some great new names that were submitted for the contest. Check out the newest poll, and vote for your favorite. (Personally, I'm leaning towards "Battlestar Ballectomy.")

Also, quite by accident I discovered this 2007 article in the Baltimore Times-Herald that tells us June is hernia awareness month. Who knew? Who cared? Actually, I still don't really care.

The article states, in part:
"June is Hernia Awareness Month, a great time to see your doctor if you suspect you may have a hernia, or to have your hernia evaluated. Thanks to improved anesthetic and surgical techniques, hernias can be treated even on an outpatient basis with minimal pain and a shorter recuperation period."

Hey, as far as I'm concerned, it's always a great time to see your doctor.

The Origins of the Great Cornhernio

I'm not sure when, exactly, I got the hernia, or what I was doing, much like the Druids in Spinal Tap's song "Stonehenge." I have three theories:

1: Over the winter, when I was doing leg presses or sit-ups. Hear that, girls? I'm a He-Man!

2: On a recent trip to New York City, I may have swung an overstuffed, and quite large, duffle bag the wrong way. (Are duffle bags supposed to contain actual duffles? What is a duffle, anyway?)

3: At a wedding about a month ago, I was jerking my body about arhitmically, like an epileptic with a seizure. Some call this "dancing."
There are things in life we may never know the answers to: What created the earth? What do you call those little plastic things on the ends of your shoelaces? Where do babies come from? How did I get a hernia? Maybe the answer lies within ourselves, maybe it's "out there." We can only stare at the stars … and wonder.

Welcome to The Great Hernia Contest!

We are now taking submissions on what to name my hernia! Remember, all entries must be in before July 9, for after then, I will no longer have said medical condition. Vote early and often!

These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA