The Great Hernia Contest …

… has left the building. Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting. Special thanks to Allie for her winning entry.

My follow-up appointment is tomorrow, and barring anything fantastical or mildly surprising, this will be the last entry. If you want to know more about my life, subscribe to my paper and read my damn column. And to hell with the rest of you!

Sorry! That was uncalled for. They said sudden outbursts might be a side effect of coming off the meds they prescribed, you weasel-eating bastards!

The stitches will be out soon, and I will be enjoying my tiny new scars, two of which will never be seen by anybody, unless I'm very intoxicated and perform a "Peter Pants-less."

This experience has taught me a lot. Most of all, it taught me that there's never, ever anything good on television. So, as Garrison Keeler says, be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

And no Irish!

============================
Hernianic Titanic: The Final Episodes



"Now that I think of it, I don't feel pretty after all."

----------------------



Joe Cocker + Ronald Reagan + Member of the Village People = This Guy

----------------------



"Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought I'd be writing you, but I swear all of this is true. …"

----------------------




"'Sew this, stitch that' … I'll make them pay."

----------------------




"That's a nice urine sample, dear."

----------------------




National Geographic Special: When DSV Alvin discovered the wreck of the Titanic.

----------------------




At Purdue, we use only the best cuts of the chicken.

Shameless self-promotion

Hi everybody!

Remember when I used to take pictures? Me neither, but according to my resume, I did. So, I've set up a couple of web sites where The Best of the Swinc's work can be viewed, looked upon with wonder and/or ridiculed. So next time your boss isn't looking, turn your web browser to one of these sites:

http://swincphotos.site.shutterfly.com/

Or, if you have a Flickr account:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/swincphotos/

Don't worry, none of these contain images of my hernia. I'm hoping that, based on some feedback, I might be able to start selling SOME images online (those will likely be scenic shots and will likely not be photos of children I shot for work, due to legal stuff). View and enjoy.

-Hush

SwincPhotos: Better Than Watching Paint Dry.

the battlestar ballectomy: change in which we can believe

The surgery's done, and I'm resting comfortably, icing areas of my body that need not be named here. The surgery was as much fun as you could imagine: a half a dozen masked strangers working in and around my junk while I was knocked out.

Shortly before the surgery, the surgeon wrote the word "yes" on the left side of my abdomen. Supposedly, this was to denote the area of my hernia, but I now think he was writing "yes," as in "yes we can," giving the appearance that good ol' B.B. was endorsing Barack Obama. While I myself am a strong supporter of Obama, BB was apolitical, and I am a little peeved that the doctor would impose his political beliefs on my hernia.

Anyway, congrats to my good friend Allie for her winning entry, officially dubbing my hernia the Battlestar Ballectomy. I'm also going to give an Honorable Mention to the entry "Ralph," because I love my uncle Ralph. How can I not love a guy who introduced the phrase "roll and squish" to the family lexicon?

I guess the only thing left to do is to stage another contest naming the scars leftover from the wars fought by the gallant Battlestar Ballectomy. Let's show those Cylon sons of bitches that we will never forget.

And the winner is …

With less than an hour before I go to the outpatient clinic (for my hernia, not whatever else you're thinking, sick-o), I've had to tally the votes. And the winner is:

Battlestar Ballectomy!

Congratulations, you … you who suggested taking the great taste of science fiction and combining it with minor surgery! Had I been more organized, I would have kept track of who submitted what, and could give proper credit to the winner (Allie? Was it you, Allie?).

So, winner, please print this:

(YOUR NAME HERE), being of sound mind and sick sense of humor, having successfully taken the two minutes to submit an entry to the Great Hernia Contest of 2008, and possibly having completed a pottery course at the local adult learning annex, earns the right to hang this Certificate of Something upon thy 'fridge.

Signed, this day, Wednesday, July 9, 2008 AD

John

You may now kiss the bride





As an aside, I was unable to vote, but I was very happy this entry won, if only because Battlestar is like, the best show ever.

Here it comes!

This is it, baby! Less than 24 hours, and it's on! Yeah! YEAH! I'm pumped! Can you feel it? Can you? CAN YOU?! As of 2:30 p.m., eastern time, I will be havin' some fun (fun=outpatient surgery with general anesthesia!).

OMG, I am like, so PSYCHED to have this done, you guys! Oh, when they put me in that little johnnie that takes away any sense of pride and dignity, stick a needle in my arm and stick a mask over my face (and I'll TOTALLY forget I'm claustrophobic) … and then I can wake up with stitches –STITCHES! – in my abdomen. Oh, baby, this is gonna be good.

So… would any one like to switch places?

Upswing is that, since I can't eat anything tomorrow until after the surgery, tonight I'll be chowing down like Fat Albert after escaping a fat camp.

By the way, clock's ticking on naming my hernia, so let's get crackin', people!


=========================



"I like you, Nurse Ratched. You have a gentle touch."

Final stretch

Just a reminder – tomorroworother is the last day to vote to name my hernia. The winner will be announced on Wednesday, the morning of my surgery, if I get around to it, if I don't forget, or if I don't spend the day in bed, weeping.


===========================================



For whatever reason, most hernia patients tend to go "Brazilian"

Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!

Bring me Solo and the Wookie

A while back I got a great entry through my cousin, Tiffany, for a name that was so nearly perfect … that I forgot to enter it on the survey. So, I'm putting an official shout-out now, to the latest, perhaps greatest, entry: "Jabba."

This is a magnificent suggestion, in that, much like my hernia, Jabba is an unwelcome large bulge of tissue that can be prone to strangulation.

Due to legal and technical reasons (i.e., I forgot), I was unable to put "Jabba" on the official list, but if anyone would like to vote for our fine, wrinkly, better-as-a-muppet-than-CGI friend, then go ahead and email me with your vote.

================================================



The Department of Transportation got a little overzealous when building a bridge over the Rio Grande.


Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!

Oh, it huuuuurts …

You know how I think I got this hernia from dancing, right? And how it would stand to reason that I shouldn't dance at all until it's repaired, right? So, even if there was a lot of beer and loud music, I definitely wouldn't do even the tiniest bit of dancing, for fear of aggravating said condition, right?

Wrong.

I never said I was smart. Hellooooo, ice pack (which reminds me, if you come over my apartment, don't use my ice packs).
Any-hoo, we've got a new entry for naming that which is causing me considerable pain right this bloody second: "The Dwarf Moon." I don't know exactly what it means, but I like it.

====================================


George W. Bush comes off a bender.

Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!

Big Man, new names, titanic

I'm a little worried that my hernia is going to keep me from entering either the Ultimate Fighting Championship/Awkwardly Homoerotic kickboxing league, or next year's World's Strongest Man competition. I mean, how will I be able to pull a bus with my teeth in my condition?

It's a fall from grace. Before the hernia, I was able to bench press nearly tens of pounds. But now I find myself being relatively stationary, and feeling flabby. It's not a great feeling. I think I'm gaining weight, despite my best efforts to limit myself to a 12 pack of Sam Adams a day. What to do …

In other news, we've got some more submissions, via some friends of my family, and forwarded to me by my mom, who must be embarrassed beyond measure that her son is recording his life as a herniac. Those entries are "Coli" and "Popeye." I don't know what "Coli" is about (it sounds a little like "cauliflower," and that's freaky). "Popeye" although disturbing, speaks for itself.

Our third submission is "Herbie the Herny." So if you're a big fan of "Herbie Goes Bananas," then you're probably 8. But that's no reason not to vote.

Finally, enjoy this latest installment of Hernianic Titanic:


"I know why you're having stomach discomfort. What I can't understand is, why did you feel the need to swallow a football?"

Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!

"Well, the good news is I think I found my car keys …"


Have fun with images from my hernia brochures – write your own caption in the comments section!

Hernianic Titanic

My doctor gave me a couple of booklets on what a hernia is, and how to prepare for surgery. I could, of course, have read them thoroughly, and be prepared for my surgery. Or I could just laugh at the funny pictures.

I think the choice was pretty obvious.

But then I thought, why keep all the fun to myself? Why not have you, the reader, come up with your own captions for these absolutely realistic and informative images?

Just type your captions in the "comments" area at the end of each post. It's like Mystery Science Theater 3000, only none of the images move, and you have to do all the work yourself!

Ex:

"Can you believe I just gave birth to this thing?"

Write your own caption in the comments section!

Q&A

Someone recently posted the question, "What if they remove your hernia and it turns out it was the source of all your powers??"
This is vaguely reminiscent of that episode on "Friends" when Chandler gets his third nipple removed, and loses his ability to be the funny one (leaving a void neither David Schwimmer nor Matt LeBlanc could fill).

It's a scary thought. I mean, what if I did lose my powers? Those are some damn good powers, too, I tell ya what.

Ordinarily this would give me pause, if not for the threat of something called "strangulation." I understand strangulation in the traditional sense, but I dislike the thought of strangulation being anywhere near my nether-regions.

Oh, and the latest entry comes from V.W., and is "Mr. Bigglesworth."

New names and Hernia Awareness Month

First of all, we've got some great new names that were submitted for the contest. Check out the newest poll, and vote for your favorite. (Personally, I'm leaning towards "Battlestar Ballectomy.")

Also, quite by accident I discovered this 2007 article in the Baltimore Times-Herald that tells us June is hernia awareness month. Who knew? Who cared? Actually, I still don't really care.

The article states, in part:
"June is Hernia Awareness Month, a great time to see your doctor if you suspect you may have a hernia, or to have your hernia evaluated. Thanks to improved anesthetic and surgical techniques, hernias can be treated even on an outpatient basis with minimal pain and a shorter recuperation period."

Hey, as far as I'm concerned, it's always a great time to see your doctor.

The Origins of the Great Cornhernio

I'm not sure when, exactly, I got the hernia, or what I was doing, much like the Druids in Spinal Tap's song "Stonehenge." I have three theories:

1: Over the winter, when I was doing leg presses or sit-ups. Hear that, girls? I'm a He-Man!

2: On a recent trip to New York City, I may have swung an overstuffed, and quite large, duffle bag the wrong way. (Are duffle bags supposed to contain actual duffles? What is a duffle, anyway?)

3: At a wedding about a month ago, I was jerking my body about arhitmically, like an epileptic with a seizure. Some call this "dancing."
There are things in life we may never know the answers to: What created the earth? What do you call those little plastic things on the ends of your shoelaces? Where do babies come from? How did I get a hernia? Maybe the answer lies within ourselves, maybe it's "out there." We can only stare at the stars … and wonder.

Welcome to The Great Hernia Contest!

We are now taking submissions on what to name my hernia! Remember, all entries must be in before July 9, for after then, I will no longer have said medical condition. Vote early and often!

These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA